For the past three hours, I’ve been sitting on my bed reminiscing about my past, looking back, and putting together parts of my life. And then all of the sudden I start to question myself. What am I doing? Why am I here? What’s my life about? What’s it gonna be about? I know what I want now. I know well what I want to do for my future. I begin to question my moral values, my religious values. I wonder really, how far can I go? How long will I live? How much will I see? Time is ticking away, the sand flowing down the hourglass.

I know I’ll sound like a git talking about all these things, but I enjoy it. I enjoy dwelling, or brooding, whatever you call it. It’s me. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. Will I ever meet a nice girl? Am I gonna be a cop? Are my parents gonna live forever? Am I gonna be afraid of dogs forever? I ask a lot of questions, not to people, but to myself. And then I sit down, alone, and start thinking up multiple possibilities. I won’t lie and say that it’s a healthy thing. But then again, what the heck?

I’m not happy now, I’m gonna openly admit that. I don’t think I’ll ever be in the long run. I can make do with what I have now, comparing myself to people suffering far worst fates out there. At least I have a place to live, my parents are alive, I have a couple of cute annoying siblings, I have excellent friends, and I’m doing what I planned to do 5 years back. Downside? I’m a broken piece of equipment I suppose. Yes yes, I should really stop thinking and talking about her.

People have pains. Time heals. This and that, not like I’ve never heard any of those before. I guess along the way, things are gonna get better. Maybe I’ll travel the world someday and meet a nice, maybe better girl. I’m open for anything now. If a risk, an opportunity is standing right before me..I’m gonna go ahead and take my chances if I can. Why not? Hell, I’m not a Godly person. I’m not gonna suddenly wake up one day and ask God what should I be doing with my life. I mean, there is a higher power at work in our lives..I won’t deny that, but I’m not very dependent on Him, to be honest. I’m blessed that my life isn’t so effed up, maybe I’m lucky He looks out for me as much as he does others, and I’m thankful.

Might sound retarded but somehow I’m far more concerned about living my life now rather than worrying about my life after death. Yeah, there’s always that risk that I’m going to hell for being such a shitty bastard, then again there might be other possibilities. Taking unnecessary risks? Probably inherited more of my family’s genes than I thought I did. Doesn’t mean I’m not a believer, or that I’ll stop going to church though…probably sound like a hypocrite now, lol.

Anyways, interesting night. Couldn’t sleep, need some shuteye, but being in the same country as her makes me feel nervous and all feverish. Listening to old love tracks, pondering, wondering, what’s gonna happen next? Curious indeed. Well, I’m gonna hope that Larrie managed to get my designs printed, or all the work I’ve been doing the whole day is going to waste. If indeed I do make some cash out of this project, that’ll be awesome.

If shit happens, there’s always gonna be home. And I know I’ll always come home. At least I know I won’t be knocking up a girl anytime soon, not likely to happen due to various circumstances, heh. Good luck, good night, and I hope I manage to fall asleep soon. Seems like I’ve retained my falling off the bed habits while staying in my nightmares. Ciao, happy holidays folks.