Sometimes I think back to the times where I was allowed to be young and reckless, because I suffer little or no consequences for my actions. Seemed fun, well, to a certain extend. To be daring, pick fights with people and all that. Right now, everything comes with a 'Think Twice' label. Think twice before kicking some ass, think twice before getting back into that hellhole.

Well, I dunno what I'm doing but I'm rambling again. I kinda finished my semester, but I pray to God I won't fail my Illustration. It's about the only thing I'm worried for right now. That and one more other thing of course.

I have a whole lot of bottled up frustration right now, wish I could let it all out at one go. I wish I could be at two places at once. Then life would be a bit easier, heh. Ironic really. I'm kinda speaking in riddles right now I guess? Some of you may get what I'm saying, some of you might not.

Do I regret some of my actions? Perhaps. Do I blame myself more than I blame that other person? Yes I do. I really want to put the blame on someone else, but it was because of my own weakness that I allowed that event to happen in the first place. My weakness was taken advantage of. But then again it doesn't matter to that person. Whatever happens to me, strictly happens to me, and has no effect on him/her whatsoever. Guilt? That's trash. Guilt ridden people don't live that easily. I have soooo much things to say.

I want to vent, burn, hit, scream, yell, swear and do a lot of things, but those things won't change the course of the future. What will happen to me after I return? What happens to me when I leave? I can't turn my back, because that just shows to prove to the people who look down on me that they are correct. I can't face forward directly without getting spat on the face either. Complicated, complicated.

Well, I'm aggressive. Can't blame me. I don't normally show my true nature, but that's what I am inside. I exercise my self control to the fullest, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine tearing up the people that step all over me. I want to rip them limb from limb, chew their guts up and pierce their organs with hundreds of salted needles. Yes, creative killing is very well the mindset of a potential murderer. Just be thankful I'm not one. Too much is at stake to be ripping people's throats out even if I really want to do so.

What do I end up doing? I blog, vent, bottle up, transfer that negativity elsewhere. And if that's not acceptable, then you'd probably like me better with all chains unleashed? I don't get people sometimes. This won't do, that' won't do. What the hell are you expecting, perfection?

Plus, people who absolutely lack the self confidence or the people who say empty words are the worst. Things like I swear, I promise, I'll try. Put your life on the line damnit. Don't you have any passion at all? What are you waiting for, taking backward steps? Thinking too much of what ifs, what then, and thinking too much about what will happen to YOU? The freaking world doesn't revolve around you, chikuso. I could say the same to myself, yes, but at least I'm not changing my mind and changing sides so quickly like a martial artist sidestepping to evade a punch. Can't you take that punch and counter it or something?

There's no such thing as evading damage. No such thing as perfect happiness on this earth. People are meant to go through things, not pass through things. People are meant to try harder before they give up after hearing taunts. Yes, this probably makes me sound like I expect too much or make me seem like a perfectionist, but trust me, I'm not. If I was, then I'd be someone else. Just do better, why don't you? Just give yourself another shot, why not? Stop listening to pointless negative things that will do you no good except give you different images in mind. Stop giving in to wanting to be happy and wanting to make everyone around you happy. That's not possible. Like I said, there's no gain without sacrifice. You can't expect to take without giving something else. You can't make someone else perfectly happy without giving up something of your own. Make mistakes, why won't you? Then learn from it, not step away from the problem.

Gah, I wish I could bite someone's freaking ear off right now. Yeah yeah, I sound like a sadistic bastard. But no, I'm not into S&M. I'd like to advice the maggots out there giving me dipshit to shower yourselves with sulfuric acid or something. Go look in the mirror before judging. Who gave you authority to judge me without knowing me first? Come face me face to face and tell me that I don't deserve to stick around. Then I'd probably sock you across the face and then laugh it off.

Lol, anyways. It's getting late and I have my final submissions to make tomorrow. I have crap to print in the morning too. I know I shouldn't be complaining because some parts of my life is crap where there are other people suffering more than I am, but this is my blog and I'm entitled to complain whenever I want because I need to, unless you'd rather see a bloodbath? Ciao. For people who actually read through, sorry if your eyes hurt. Just walk away if you think your opinion varies from mine. I'm not interested in hearing what others think in my current state. Night then.