Gaki-domo~

Work-Station~

Death Note~

Snail-san~

Peeping Tom Beaten Up!!

Baka Imouto~

Curry Macaroni!

DS-Chan~

Right Outside Desaria!

Zoom Zoom~

Faiyah~~

Death Note Again!

Hi there. Did you like my pictures? Haha. I’m not sure if most of you have gotten to know me. I don’t think I know myself that well either. But after having a whole day for a 1 on 1 session with the self within myself, I’ve come to realize a couple of things. I’m convinced that most of you will probably think that this is a strange entry, but will continue to read on anyways, either because you are really bored, or I simply managed to amuse you.

So what about myself? Let’s firstly cover the basics, which some of you are already familiar with. I’m Kevin Leo Tan Tai Tee, yes that’s my full name, check my confirmation cert. Next, I’m 17 turning 18 next year. I came into existence in the year of the horse, 1990, and in the 23^rd day of March, making me an Aries. I’m obviously male, unless you’ve met a girl named Kevin before, and I’m pretty sure you haven’t. I’m Chinese + Kadazan = Sino Kadazan. That’s a Sabahan native for those of you who don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese that well, but I sure wish I could, and then I won’t have any problems when courting girls. I don’t speak much Kadazan either, but I’m good enough to know what my mom and my aunts are saying at times. I am trying to pick up Japanese on my own, although I haven’t made much progress with it for a while now. Other than that, I’m trying to catch whatever bits of Cantonese and Hokkien from my peers. If you’re curious, my Chinese ancestors originated from Hainan, which also technically makes me Hainanese despite the fact that I understand zilch from the dialect. I’ve got a family of 6, including myself. Father, Mother, younger sister, two younger brothers and then myself. My religion is Christian, Roman Catholic. I do love God, but I’m not very religious nor am I a devout Christian. Now, did I leave anything out? Ah yes, I’m sure some of you are well aware of the existence of the 12 Dragonz Brunei, formed by the notorious ringleader William Ang Chee Hao, also known as iWaku of the 1^st. I’m Nocturne of the 7^th, by the way. Odd as it may sound, but I like it. Favourite people in the world are : Manzy, Burt, Irene, Jess, DragonZ, LKW buddies and the rest of my family and friends that I have not mentioned. My interests change from time to time, but art and music are permanent on my list of interests.

I think I’ve covered the basic part that I know about myself. On to the complicated half? Or maybe not as complicated as I seem to make it sound.

I’m not bringing this up to raise myself up, but see, I’m a nice person, I listen to what people have to say, I don’t butt into things most of the time, prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, rather not make matters large and I don’t recall myself exerting violence on anyone. Most of that should be correct if not close to accurate. I usually end up in the shitty end of certain mess ups, that including relationships. I can be biased, stereotypical and I contradict myself sometimes, so pay no mind to me or forgive me when that happens. It can’t be helped. In my life, I’ve only had as much as 4 relationships. Longest being 2 years. The relationships that I am involved in are usually long, seldom short, well because I have the patience, devotion, passion and the commitment. My last relationship ended up crashing down the drain even though I strived and sacrificed so much. I will not fail to mention this because I still have feelings for her, despite the ‘Get Over Her’ advices from most people. I’m pretty sure if you really love someone for a long time, and get dumped, you’ll eat your words up. Some people stand up strong, move on, find another person perhaps or turn to friends. I’m not that strong. That’s just how I’m built. Try as I may, but time has done very little to some of the false hopes that I’m still holding in my hands. I don’t know how to put it, but the majority of me doesn’t want the ungrateful girl back (and maybe, sadistic as this may sound, watch her suffer through what I’ve suffered or worst and then have the last laugh just to be satisfied), and just wants to have all these feelings go away, but who am I to have control over these things? The other bit, the minority, kicks the flashbacks into action, and makes me feel all crappy and shit. Well, as you can see, most of the things I’ve said before this sentence involve my broken love life and my still lingering obsession, so I guess that’s enough about that. It’s really messed up. I think I can write a 10,000 word essay and I still won’t finish ranting and rambling about her.

What else is there? Ah yeah. I’m a download-whore. I download tons of things in a day. But maybe not as much as some of my friends (*cough/hint* Kenny *cough/hint*). Mmm, my choice of music is random, probably depends on my mood most of the time. I like to mix stuff up in my playlist at times. Sometimes leave my Winamp on when I’m sleeping just so I can listen and maybe *hope* to memorize the lyrics. The first ten songs in my current playlist :

1. 1. Lifehouse – Hanging By a Moment 6. Jay Chou – Shan Hu Hai

2. 2. Lifehouse – Come Back Down 7. Westlife - Moments

3. 3. Taylor Swift – Teardrops on My Guitar 8. Faye Wong – Eyes on Me

4. 4. Fate/Stay Night – Anata Ga Ita Mori 9. Kim Ah Joong - Maria

5. 5. Kangta/Vaness – 127 Days Korean Version 10. Boyzone – Picture of You

Just some random things now, haha. Ah, and by the way, I like to use lol in my conversations, combed with the occasional ha-has. I sometimes enjoy rainy days, sometimes I despite it. Speaking of which, it’s raining right now. Quite recently, I’ve taken an interest in Jolly Rogers (Pirate Flag Logos). I’m thinking of designing one for the DragonZ. Another strange thing about me is uh, I’m very fond of childish things, as I’m still quite attached to things like Pokemon, Digimon, Megaman/Rockman, and others like it, probably. I’m quite lost as to which kind of art stroke to use right now in my drawings, because I’ve got a couple blended into me now my drawings look odd. I’ve become accustomed to taking my DSLR out whenever I can in KL, and not having it around while I go out in Brunei makes me feel twitchy and I shudder sometimes when I see a camera out. (This is true.) Uhm, quite recently our (Ang, Gerald and Mine) PS2 in KL got stolen. Culprit unknown, but I hope he/she gets caught.

I’d talk to a person about my problems if I can be sure that he or she can bear with my opinions and such. Opinions are like ass anyways, Everyone’s got one…but nobody wants to admit theirs stink sometimes. I do stand up for myself, if I'm bothered with getting into a debate. Sometimes that is. Hum, another random thing is I found that I’ve been receiving gazes from my ex’s schoolmates. I can’t walk around without them exclaiming ‘ZOMG! Chang Min’s ex-bf!? WTF is he doing back in Brunei!? I thought they broke up because of long distance!?’. And apparently that’s what some of them think, how nice. I’m clearly upset with the fact that…I can’t find no damn Para Para Paradise machines in Brunei, not yet so far. The one in the Mall’s Arcade has disappeared and replaced with some other dance machine. KOF Maximum Impact Regulation A has made it’s way to Brunei’s Arcade on a side note, and it seems I’m the only person playing it. I got dragged into playing Midnight Racing (4 tokens, B$2 per round) by Larrie, Bong, and Seng lately. Also, Seng got me to play C&C3 recently. Among the things that I miss in Brunei include going to Manzy’s place to hang out or talking with Greg, going over to Abugali’s place just to soak my legs in the water while the JAMM girls splash around and haha, I think I miss attending confirmation class.

Currently, what most people say about me is that I’ve gained weight, and I’ve lost some of the cool/calm I use to have before this. (Very obvious reason.) I guess it’s because sometimes I lose my temper really fast now, and I can’t help having a surge of rage coursing through my veins when I see some cocky CHMS kids or people donning Utama Grand uniforms. Maybe I've become quite twisted. Okay, not maybe. I'm pretty sure now. I can't help but curse, swear, and hope that she gets a taste of her own medicine. Like some darkness now temporarily attached to myself until I get this over this phase in life.

Other new things, hmm, I seem to like large headsets now, I guess it’s because of the inspiration from Persona 3’s main character. Speaking of Persona, that reminds me of something. I guess I should start making wallpapers and drawing again, can’t afford to get rusty for next semester.

Oh yes, I like my new layout! Like it very much. Better than my last of course. Well, before I finish up I guess I have to state that I’m afraid this sem’s results won’t be as good as my previous sem’s results. I hope I won’t need to repeat any subjects and I hope I’ll do better next semester. Degree Student, banzai. This whole blog has roughly 2000 words! What’s after this? Well, after re-reading my whole entry again, I guess it’s only sensible to say that I talk about myself a lot. Selfish? Maybe. The world doesn’t revolve around me, I know, I don’t need to be told. I guess it’s because it becomes automatic after a while of having nobody to connect with. I guess I’m pretty random as of late. Maybe I should be more grateful that I even have a place to come home to and be with the people I like. Lately all I’ve been doing is catching up with shows that I missed while I was in KL, playing games that I should be finishing and so on. Well, most of the things I’ve blogged up to now is close to rubbish, I guess this is no different. Enjoy, won’t be blogging much until something eventful happens I guess, or maybe until I get struck with ideas. By the way, pictures are at the beginning of the entry, too lazy to shift them down.

They look at me,

I fake a smile so they won’t see,

Deep down, I think about all that should be.

I bet he’s still ignorant, that guy she talks about,

As he’s got everything that I’ve got to live without.

They talk to me,

I laugh because it’s so damn funny,

Coz’ all I feel is pain and sadness when she’s around me.

She thinks she’s so in love, finally thought she got it right,

Wonder if she realizes sometimes I think of her at night.

She’s the reason that my tear drops as I look out the car,

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.

Here’s a song in the car that I keep singing. I don’t even know why I do.

She walks away from me,

Can’t she tell that I can’t breathe?

And there she goes, so happily,

Sometimes I wish I could set myself free.

He better hold her tight, give her love,

Look in those beautiful eyes, and know he’s lucky coz’

She’s the reason that my tear drops as I look out the car,

The only thing that keeps me wishing star.

Here’s a song in the car that I keep singing. I don’t even know why I do.

So I walked home alone, as I turned off my lights,

I put her picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight, coz’

She’s the reason that my tear drops as I drink at the bar,

The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart.

Here’s a song in the bar that keeps playing. I don’t even know why I’m here.

Here’s the time taken up,

But there’s never enough,

Though she was all I needed to fall in to.

Then everyone looks at me,

So I fake a smile for them to see.

-END-

Not the happiest of poems, but eh, it's whats knocking on my brain right now. Enjoy.

Monday, November 26, 2007

New Layout

Thanks to Burt-sensei for the layout change. I'm quite fond of it now. Lovely pills floating about. Anyways, I've got some pictures to upload later. I'm going out for a photo session. It's raining, so I guess I'll have some interesting pictures to take. (I hope) I'm fine now I guess, so no worries. Ah, I smell chicken rice. I think I will have some late lunch first, lol. Ciao.

it's 2:44 PM now

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I don't know what to say in this post. For quite some time, I thought I have regained the tempo of living my life and moving on. I guess I thought wrong. Seeing you again, made me bitter, the bitter person that I was while I was in KL. I thought being with my brothers could make me stronger while I was facing you, then again I thought wrong. What followed after seeing you was all pain and torture as all the things I forced myself to forget came back within seconds. I guess I'm not completely fine yet. You should be happy that you turned off my happiness switch, that you made me like this.

(Sorry for the post. But if I don't let it out here, I'll go mad.)

I'm going to sleep this matter off. I wish it was possible to surgically remove feelings for somebody, maybe in the near future that would be possible. (Brainwash?)

it's 10:50 AM now

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Good day to all my fellow human beings. I'm right in FarmBasket Cafe right now, Kiulap, Brunei. Lol, and sitting right in front of me is Burt, and I think he's blogging as well. Not doing much right now except eating, blogging and downloading. What I find interesting is that the connection outside of the normal espeed boundaries are actually pretty good. Can go to full capacity of 512kbps eventhough there are many other leechers *cough* using the connection beside me. I'm downloading One Piece like mad now mwahaha. Anyways, I've yet to meet up with anyone else except Burt. I've contacted Irene and Jess, though Irene did reply, Jess didn't. Maybe she doesn't have credit or something. Other than that things have been pretty quiet for me. Seems like a real vacation although I prefer to be designing stuff and earning some small income. But I think that is not possible here. Sigh, sad. My dad has limited my pocket money back here and frankly, I'm not used to that. Haha, taste of freedom is great indeed. Well, I'll update some more when I have time. Busy being a 'big brother' lately, and going to play badminton tonight. So yeah, take care everyone.

it's 5:33 PM now

Monday, November 19, 2007

I'm going home...

Haha, finally? Yeah. It's a bit of a mixed emotions thing. Some things I look forward to, some things I'd rather not see in Brunei. You get me. It's sad to leave behind my freedom here, lol. I'm hoping to be able to find clients and work either as a designer or photographer when I get back. Hmm, photographer is a bit tough if I can't get my hands on other Nikon lenses. Quite the expensive things, those are. Well, spent the last of my day with Ang, Chris and Alex at Sunway. Watched The Bee Movie, lol, wasn't that great. Actually it was my 2nd time, so yeah, its to be expected. The concept is there, but the way they delivered the movie was stupid at the point where the bees tried to sue the humans. Well, I'm still packing right now. Waiting for Ang to come back from wherever he went earlier this morning. Flight's at 5.30, leaving hostel at 3, gonna arrive in Brunei around 8. Gonna go shower in a bit. Stupid Rapidshare is saying I've reached my daily 25gb download limit, feh. I really need to download something now. And curse the mail systems for being down last night. Good day, and I hope to see whoever I ought to see, soon enough.

it's 12:47 PM now

Monday, November 12, 2007

Create your own Friend Test here

Back for seconds, mates?

it's 1:00 AM now

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Create your own Friend Test here

So I was bored 4am in the morning, sue me? Lol.

it's 3:49 AM now

Friday, November 09, 2007

Foundation?

Yay, I've finished my foundation year in Design. Not sure if I passed all my subjects or scored hightime for every subjects but at least I submitted all my work, and now its all over. What now? Yeah yeah yeahhhh Degree student beb~ Huhuhu. I have underlings, er I mean juniors to look down to (or maybe court) lalala~

Stress free berabis~1 whole week of DOTA, ANIME, and PARTYYYYY~

Rawr!!!! 3 more years to goooooooooooooooooooooooooo~ (Mind you, this year passed in a blink of an eye.)

I'm not sure what I'm gonna major and minor in, not sure when I'm gonna twin, where I'm gonna do my internship but who caresssss (for now at least, got time to discuss la..).

I've lost a lot, gained some, (not weight, just things in general...) and yeah, whatever. It's been a fuck't up damn good boleh tahan agak agaknya year.

I'm going back to Brunei this 19th with Ang. Huhuhu...many projects to launch in Brunei. I'm hoping to get clients as I will be resuming my job as a home designer, this time with better skillz (hopefully that is the case?). I wanna earn money and buy shitz for myself. I need more gearrrrrrrrrrrrrrs~

Well yeah, whatever will be, will be then? Hopefully I manage to make it to next semester with boleh tahan marks without repeating any subjects. Will work harder next sem. Takde time to slack anymore (guar?). Heh, all the best to all my fellow uni-mates and see you guys next sem? (Will be posting pics up soon btw. Ciao)

it's 7:44 PM now

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Disaster

Well, I'm up to my final two weeks here.

I've got two and a half more assignments to do and after that I'll be free, I suppose.

Let's see, why is my title 'Disaster'?

Because on my final integrated project, a banner that flies 3 x 8 feet long, got screwed earlier today.

Nobody is to blame, but maybe its really my fault. Group leader said it wasn't a big deal so I took it easy and tried to rectify the mistake.

What happened?

Well, I was mixing colours for my banner, trying to touch up some places with background colours, but some of the Pelaka paint spilled onto a small part of the banner. Mind you, it's not easy to mix colours. Especially if you want a specific one and you don't get it. So I've been mixing for a while and I still can't get the colour I want.

Furthermore, there's this stupid idiotic lame retarded fat ass girl who's ticking me off every single fucking day. There's a limit to how someone like her can keep pushing her luck. She's a total sloth, freaking glutton, and I can guarantee she'll be one of the people who'll burn in hell for committing the seven sins on a heavy scale.

Sigh, well, I've got a life drawing assignment to do on canvas, media of choice acrylic but I'm not too happy about the time span I have to do it. I need to submit my photography assignment on Monday, a Creative Journal, and that's about it.

Sorry for the previous post, I couldn't help feeling stressed so early in the morning. Going to nap now. See you people around. Might post some pictures up whenever I can. Happy Birthday to you, hope you grow wiser, but I guess that's not really possible at the rate you're living. I hate 2007, I don't suppose I'll be 2008's biggest fan either, cept' for the fact that I'll be driving and stuff. Yay for being a major. Night.

it's 10:40 PM now

Nightmares

I don't know how long am I going to keep this up.

This hell.

I hate myself for being like this.

I don't know what else to try.

I've done this, done that, but I can't just run away from the reality.

Maybe I haven't learnt to accept it fully yet.

Part of me still yearns.

Who else do you know wakes up in the middle of the night and starts typing away in his blog because he has nobody to talk to?

Who else do you know has nightmares and cries into his pillows?

I'm not asking for sympathy. So cut me some slack.

Telling me something and having me execute it like snap isn't something so easy.

I keep looking for a way out of this and I still haven't found it yet. What's the truth? What are the lies? How much do I actually know? What the hell is going on back home?

Heh, just look at the frigging date. 18 days till I return? I don't know what I want anymore.
There's no easy way out of this. But I'm bloody trying. I wish all the pain would just go away. Now.

it's 4:13 AM now