First off, I don't know how to start this entry.

Haha, well, for one I'm frustrated for several obvious reasons for people who read my blog.

I really wonder how some people can joyfully ignore the world that is happening around them and seclude themselves to their 'happiness' and then when they come out of that seclusion they just ignore the world in one way or another. Should I admire them or despise them? I have no clue. Recently there are punks, and I mean punks as in annoying little buggers, living above our unit stomping around and moving their tables and chairs every few hours even when its in the middle of the damn night...

Recently all I've been dreaming of is her. Yeah her. There's no other 'her' for me right now in my life, no matter how much I try to look at other people and stuff like that. Bloody amusing how she's moving on so easily. Or is she? I don't know. Life is cruel. I'd have a lot of things to say but I don't really know whether it'll make any difference.

I mean, who pretends to cry? Can you actually kill off someone's heart just like *snap* and then move on with your pretty little life? Look elsewhere and pretend that the person who you just bloody murdered isn't bleeding at all? I really have no idea. Should I be saying this? Should I just bottle it up, and then suddenly go on a rampage when I've finally lost my mind? How am I supposed to stop myself from dreaming of disgusting images of the other person who's probably replacing me? I think I've done enough prayers, tried harder than I have ever tried, and still hold on after all that shit? Be nice? Let it go? I can only ask myself and find no answer for myself. I don't want to be like this. I didn't ask to be like this but I'm like this anyways. I'm trying to change, I tried to change, and I'm still pushing it to the point that I really feel sick to my stomach trying to do so. I'm forcing it. But I can't leave it now, can I? No matter what direction I turn to, what solutions I seek, all the paths are thorny and set on fire. I don't ask for pity, I don't ask for any sympathy, but I thank anyone who feels for me, or at least understands how stupid one can be at times. I think I might be considered a retard, for writing all this crap and expecting the world to change overnight. But it won't change now, will it?

My life is full of questions. Future is definitely still uncertain. I can only be certain of my past, which was filled with the black, white, and several colours that were painted over the years by friends, by love, now smudged red with the blood that's bleeding straight out of my heart. Scarred, hurt, going insane, I'm going through all this for a girl? Just a girl? I don't know anymore. I might be scolded by people perhaps, who care about me, for being this dumb. Some people scold me and tell me to let her go so she can have her peace. Is she not peaceful enough? Is she not already happy without me, while I, am still here wondering what the hell should I do next to leave this matter out of my head but sometimes I just can't help drowning in this pool of questions, sorrow and stress. No, it's not really affecting my studies. I know where and when I should focus. It's just that when I'm not doing my assignments, I revert back to this state.

How long can I keep this up? Will I be saved? If so, who will save me? Obviously, that despite my own efforts to save myself from this hell on earth, I'm still here setting myself on fire. Be positive? I'm trying. Otherwise I wouldn't be here typing this. Instead you'd probably see me in the newspapers, in the Obituary or maybe the Weekly Accidents page.

Good day, I hope your eyes didn't bleed from reading this. Sorry if it was a complete waste of time, but you were not obligated to read this blog, but if you did anyways, thanks for your time or should I say, sorry for wasting your time? Ciao. I hope I survive the following week to blog another entry.

it's 11:29 PM now